It all begins with a line….

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This was a gift from daddy a week ago. He knew I was stressed and his gifts are always thoughtful and from the heart. That is part of why I fell in love with him. He puts thought into everything he does, real thought. I colored in it that night waiting for him to text me and tuck me in. I told him ty for the gift and I loved it. I was so happy for the gift.

Today, I saw him and we had a good time. I always cherish our time because its once a week, twice if I’m lucky. How long can I go on like this? He promises me “it will get better, once I leave”. HA! My sick heart wants to believe it but my mind is saying “no you silly girl”.

My feelings are fleeting and will do so when I am bored. He knows this. He keeps me on edge at all times so he doesn’t lose me. He’s so smart but so dumb at the same time. He doesn’t trust that he has truly won my LOVE. He questions it because of my nature. I believe his once a week tactic is to ensure we miss each other and we are not bored. He loves me I know this. He’s scared though because he hasn’t felt this in many years. I honestly have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him and if anything in my writing is fiction that is the one thing that is 100% truth. He’s won. He’s conquered me, he has me. He could walk away but he wouldn’t walk away unscathed. The other side to this is I own him also. I conquered him, I have him. My question continues to be “at what cost”. When I first opened up this book I read the poem inside and loved it for different reasons as I do now. For the poem has now a different meaning….FullSizeRender (1)

You see we are all lines in each other’s lives. Helping each other color our coloring books. The last sentence is what I contemplate. Like this sentence is trying to tell me something. I feel like something is trying to tell me to slow down, do something different in this relationship to get a different result. I mean this is an entirely different relationship than I have ever had before. So I analyze over and over everything we do, everything he says, everything he sends me. Is he capable of one of the biggest mind fucks in history? I don’t have the answers. I mean he’s given me answers but he always mixes truths with lies. I do know he loves me and I love him but I also believe he is trying to learn how to love me. I try to get him to open up to me and he won’t. He’s scared I will think he is weak and he will lose my submission. That is not true. I told him this but he doesn’t believe me. He knows me better than anyone else has ever known me. We are the same person and I believe that helps him but he’s wrong on certain things and he refuses to believe it. I wonder if  he thinks he’s unlovable. He wasn’t loved as a child and so he has this mentality of he has to be better, stronger, smarter, or he’s not worthy. We have come so far in just a few months. I do understand his way of love is ownership which is the same for me. I just hope he allows me to guide him through the simplicity that love offers also. To help him understand everything doesn’t have to be calculated and perfect because love isn’t perfect. He knows I need more. I am waiting….IMG_1816

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