Eyes are Windows to the Soul

Untitled

Some of you may be wondering why my blog is about me and my daddy dom when it is aimed at my life journey of finding myself. Well, I started my journey after I met him. I have always known I was different than others, in many different aspects. It wasn’t until I met him that this was even more evident because of how similar me and him are. He prompted me to find myself and he gave me clues here and there. He became not only my dom but my mentor, my teacher, my lover, my confidante, my Clyde, my Mr. J. When I finally realized who I was I talked and laughed and it all made sense. I asked him when did he know and he said “within minutes, I saw it in your eyes”. We have a bond, a connection, that is unlike any other because there is no other. Our connection is merely ours and ours alone. I believe the universe sent him to me to help, guide me, show me who I am. I will always love him even if it is only for that reason. I believe he knows he will always own me and I will forever be his no matter what happens. There will be no other him. I am vulnerable because of this. I am still scared at times. The mind is a fragile and cruel thing sometimes. He has what he wanted.

You see, this isn’t an average love story. I don’t even know if you could call it a love story at all. I choose to live for him because he earned the right of his ownership. I have never slept in a collar before. I do now with 0 hesitation not because he asked me to but because I can’t bare to remove it. That speaks volumes.

I saw him today and we kissed and I felt his hand wrap around my throat and squeeze until tears rolled down my cheeks. He took me to a desolate, remote location that he owns and is very private. I could have screamed and no one would have heard me. He could have killed me and nobody would have known and I thought to myself “I would die happy” in this moment, in the hands of someone I love.

“My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you.
Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
~ Falsely yours”

― Charles Bukowski

It all begins with a line….

IMG_1779

This was a gift from daddy a week ago. He knew I was stressed and his gifts are always thoughtful and from the heart. That is part of why I fell in love with him. He puts thought into everything he does, real thought. I colored in it that night waiting for him to text me and tuck me in. I told him ty for the gift and I loved it. I was so happy for the gift.

Today, I saw him and we had a good time. I always cherish our time because its once a week, twice if I’m lucky. How long can I go on like this? He promises me “it will get better, once I leave”. HA! My sick heart wants to believe it but my mind is saying “no you silly girl”.

My feelings are fleeting and will do so when I am bored. He knows this. He keeps me on edge at all times so he doesn’t lose me. He’s so smart but so dumb at the same time. He doesn’t trust that he has truly won my LOVE. He questions it because of my nature. I believe his once a week tactic is to ensure we miss each other and we are not bored. He loves me I know this. He’s scared though because he hasn’t felt this in many years. I honestly have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him and if anything in my writing is fiction that is the one thing that is 100% truth. He’s won. He’s conquered me, he has me. He could walk away but he wouldn’t walk away unscathed. The other side to this is I own him also. I conquered him, I have him. My question continues to be “at what cost”. When I first opened up this book I read the poem inside and loved it for different reasons as I do now. For the poem has now a different meaning….FullSizeRender (1)

You see we are all lines in each other’s lives. Helping each other color our coloring books. The last sentence is what I contemplate. Like this sentence is trying to tell me something. I feel like something is trying to tell me to slow down, do something different in this relationship to get a different result. I mean this is an entirely different relationship than I have ever had before. So I analyze over and over everything we do, everything he says, everything he sends me. Is he capable of one of the biggest mind fucks in history? I don’t have the answers. I mean he’s given me answers but he always mixes truths with lies. I do know he loves me and I love him but I also believe he is trying to learn how to love me. I try to get him to open up to me and he won’t. He’s scared I will think he is weak and he will lose my submission. That is not true. I told him this but he doesn’t believe me. He knows me better than anyone else has ever known me. We are the same person and I believe that helps him but he’s wrong on certain things and he refuses to believe it. I wonder if  he thinks he’s unlovable. He wasn’t loved as a child and so he has this mentality of he has to be better, stronger, smarter, or he’s not worthy. We have come so far in just a few months. I do understand his way of love is ownership which is the same for me. I just hope he allows me to guide him through the simplicity that love offers also. To help him understand everything doesn’t have to be calculated and perfect because love isn’t perfect. He knows I need more. I am waiting….IMG_1816

Him…..

10376334_770267106438697_7272911265111835646_nI was to meet him at his office at noon. I had only seen him once and wasn’t that impressed with the photo or the way he was talking to me and trying to convince me what an uber dom he was. He was 44, wealthy, business owner, self-proclaimed daddy dom who was very experienced. He asked for discretion for particular reasons and I was happy to oblige because I also needed discretion. We both agreed and understood. I had two previous failed attempts at meeting someone to have fun with. So I wasn’t even looking for a dominant but he was very persuasive and so I agreed. My instincts were telling me to go, go, go. So I listened.

I arrived on time, dressed to the nines, makeup done, nails done, hair perfect, etc. I always looked my best at all times. There’s power in that for women. Men appreciate it when you go the extra mile. Attention to detail is what sets me apart. I was instructed to walk in his office and lock the door behind me so I did. I walk in and am shocked because it wasn’t at all what I expected. The tiny office space with the shabby desk was nowhere to be seen. I am shocked by the marble floors, the board room where the elegant table and chairs are positioned, the stair case leading up to his office. I am impressed. I start my way up the stairs and when I get to the top I turn and we lock eyes. He’s taller than I imagined, and shockingly handsome. I knew he was 6’4 but he’s a thick, solid, well dressed, confident, man. I get wet instantly. He has water waiting on the table for me and pulls out my chair. I smile and I’m excited for what is to come. I am so happy I decided to meet him. My baby girl is jumping up and down with excitement.

He proceeds to grab his pen and look down at his notepad. He’s made a list of questions for me that also impresses me. I love a man with a plan. As I am answering his questions I see him look up and cocks his head to the side and looks so confused. It startles me a bit. Did I say something wrong? He starts clearing his throat and stuttering. I know now he’s impressed by me. I ask him “Am I different from what you imagined”? He responds yes and chuckles. I continue to talk to him and the conversation flows so effortlessly. His eyes start to wonder now that he’s done with his questions and I know now what is about to happen.

He pulls me on his lap and starts to rub me and pinch my nipples. He knows my fantasy is to be fucked on a desk by my boss and so he bends me over his huge, wooden desk and starts to rub my pussy from behind. I am soaking wet. He fucks me hard and deep and I cum all over his cock. He instructs me to clean it and so I do like a good girl. He tells me he never gives his cock at the first meeting and I threw him off his game. I like this statement. This is him admitting to relinquishing a bit of control. I smirk, he smirks, we lock eyes and he walks me to my car.